Meditation and recovery

I wanted to write about the meditation I have been using to help center me when my mind drifts back to my Mexico time. It isn't original, however it has helped me through so much in the past 6 months.

I was meditating at the Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick and I chose to visit events from my past life in Mexico. I knew that this would not be easy, but I felt that I was in a safe place and no harm would come to me.

I've found that assigning my feelings to objects which I can see in my mind help me deal with those feelings. For instance, when I think of something I fear I see it as some sort of challenge. Then I see myself as the perfect protagonist to defeat that challenge.

In my mind's eye, I see Mexico as a large red gate, which is the actual front gate of Casa by the Sea. I do not see past this gate, save for a few occasions where the memories from inside this area spill over and impact my ever-day life. However I could hear it, always gnawing at the daily decisions I make. Small triggers, bring me back there, constant reminders of my Casa by the Sea days tauntingly saying "I'm still here."

While meditating, I saw these gates and felt the evil which lived behind them. I saw myself as a skilled adventurer, poised and ready to combat whatever difficulty lie behind that gate. I walked up to the gate and it slowly opened. I saw the everyday life of a prisoner at Casa by the Sea. I saw the staff, the uniforms, the same eerie foreboding of whatever wicked this way came. My strength started to waver, merely seeing these sights again brought with them dark feelings.

I felt my physical being become sick. My stomach turned in circles, my head pounded. My breathing became strained, and sitting up became an impossible task. I hunched over, the emotional pain I retain from Casa became physical pain. This wasn't working, I had to change my path.

I realized my approach was my problem. I came to this vision thinking my problem was a nail, because I am great at hammering. I really needed to allow the nail to be and work around it. I distanced myself emotionally from the events. I saw them happen, I accepted them. However I realized that they can no longer affect me in the present.

My physical pains disappeared. I continued to venture out, exploring other memories and being at peace with them. Returning from the temple, I had never felt so at peace.