As I look back on it

July 11, 2001.

That was the day that I was taken to Mexico. Against my will, without my prior knowledge, the first crime I was ever subjected to. Kidnapped in the middle of the night, not knowing whether I was awake or dreaming. I feel the affect of these events every year.

July 11, 2004 - First year out of the program. I had 2 weeks before I left for the Army. I hadn't realized what really happened to me at Casa by the Sea, so I dismissed the flashbacks.

July 11, 2005 - I had a bad feeling all day. I spent the evening with my girlfriend (at the time) and hoped to forget it. I woke up numerous times throughout the night, suffering from a recurring dream where I get taken away. I never figured out how to escape my own prison.

July 11, 2006 - I was at Balad, Iraq for this event. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating bullets and scared out of my mind. I grabbed my rifle and held it in my sleeping bag. A roommate was concerned about me doing this, I stepped outside and spoke with him for most of the night. I did not sleep that day.

July 11, 2007 - I had just married my wonderful wife. We went out for dinner and I hoped having someone else next to me would prevent any nightmares. They came, but were less intense. I felt some security.

July 11, 2008 - My wife and I were in the middle of an argument and she was in California. I was in Maryland. I knew this day would be bad. I knew I could not handle it. I tried taking this night sober, however I could feel the anger boiling inside of me. I knew that I had neither the willpower or courage to face this demon. I resorted to the bottle and became excessively drunk. I paid for it the next 2 days.

July 11, 2009 - After my trials and tribulations from December, I felt ready to take this issue head on. I had all the tools, and knew what was heading my way. I spent the day relaxing at home with my wife and dog. I played Bingo at the VFW in the evening. The feelings were there, grasping for some semblance of control. They never got a hold. I visualized my Grandfather's ranch, up in Glennville, CA when I started to feel scared or hurt. I grasped the Phurba which I wear around my neck. I repeated various chants and sayings which brought me comfort. I made it through the day and slept like a baby.