It's been a while

I have attempted to write about my experiences at WWASP seminars for a while now. Everytime I start, I hit this block. I remember it so clearly, but expressing these events in words has never come easy. In turn, I have decided to put this literary expedition off for now, instead focusing on some more recent events.

I wonder to myself daily, does this mean that I am finally recovering from my trials and tribulations? I have been through hell over this past year. I was taken away by the Army to Walter Reed, escorted there late on a Thursday evening. A certain mental health provider ignored advice from my therapist and wife, the advice to "not re-create Mexico" for me.

I made it through, not without a scar or two. I do not trust my Army Chain of Command. I never will, not after these events. I can only trust 3 fellow soldiers as a result of this. They were the ones who housed me, who spoke up for me by asking my commander the simple question "why don't we call his wife and ask what is really going on?"

I cannot put into words how understanding my civilian supervisor was. She told me "don't come into work until this has been resolved." These 4 people are the only reason I remained (relatively) sane through this ordeal.

It took me 2 months to even consider speaking to my counselor again. I had lost so much trust in the Mental Health field from Mexico, only to have a reckless social worker take the rest away.

I actually confronted this social worker. In my meditations, I always felt her presence gnawing at me. I knew what I had to do, the path was laid out for me. This women is my rapist, the one who took full control away from me and left me for dead. I thought for months about what I would say to her, only because the answer was right in front of me.

I was attending a Buddhist meditation center a few times a month. I would not be feeling her when I was meditating if it did not mean something. So I thought to myself, "What would Buddha do?"

I looked her dead in the eyes and told her that I was confronting my abuser. I told her that she re-created my PTSD and set my recovery back years. I also let her know that I was praying for her soul, "I hope that the harm you caused to me is overshadowed by the good you will accomplish in this life."