Is flying out to visit on Saturday.
I had a long talk with my wife about my Mom and why our relationship is so fucked up. Ironically, not for the reasons many would think. Casa by the Sea was a symptom of the greater problem, the one we have had since I was about 6.
When my Mom learned that my little sister had a learning disability, I got set on the back burner. I stopped receiving any attention. I stopped receiving encouragement, motivation, praise, and love. I motivated myself through school in order to learn what I know now. I remember my Dad, one time, telling me that he was proud of me in 7th grade. My Mom, I cannot remember a single time where she praised me.
I grew up, never hearing that I was smart. I grew up with a distorted self-image, thinking that I was ugly. Now all of a sudden I grew muscles and have a wife who praises me. I have 30-year veteran computer programmers stunned at the scripts that I write.
I will not allow my mother to come into my house with the negativity from my childhood home. If she wants to continue such games, there are plenty of hotels in the area and a Hertz down the street. We shall see how this week goes.
28 October 2009
21 October 2009
There is a man out there. I will not name him, however I have known this guy for many years. By complete coincidence, I was at Fort Huachuca sitting in the internet cafe. This person walks in, and looks so familiar to me. He was in uniform, same as I. After looking at his name tag, I realize this man was at Casa by the Sea with me. I chat with him for a bit, turns out he was the second graduate from my time frame to enlist.
Fast forward to Iraq. A classmate from Fort Huachuca came to Balad for a few days and I saw her for a little bit. She told me that one of my old Mexico friends was in her unit, the same man I saw years before. I asked her if he ever talked about Mexico, and she told me "He has not said a single word about it. He is too afraid to talk about it. From what you have told me, I don't blame him." This from a grown man, in a warzone, in 2006.
When I resigned from CAFETY, I knew this would be the worst consequence of my actions. So many people I knew cannot talk about it. They hide it with "the program saved my life," for fear of rejection from their parents. I've had graduates, not knowing that I was at Casa by the Sea, lie straight to my face about what happened there.
Worst of all, I have never met another military person who can talk about it. Our culture says to hide these emotions, keep them inside because it is our job. It eats us up the worst. I was their voice, I was the voice of so many who were abused and tortured.
Fast forward to Iraq. A classmate from Fort Huachuca came to Balad for a few days and I saw her for a little bit. She told me that one of my old Mexico friends was in her unit, the same man I saw years before. I asked her if he ever talked about Mexico, and she told me "He has not said a single word about it. He is too afraid to talk about it. From what you have told me, I don't blame him." This from a grown man, in a warzone, in 2006.
When I resigned from CAFETY, I knew this would be the worst consequence of my actions. So many people I knew cannot talk about it. They hide it with "the program saved my life," for fear of rejection from their parents. I've had graduates, not knowing that I was at Casa by the Sea, lie straight to my face about what happened there.
Worst of all, I have never met another military person who can talk about it. Our culture says to hide these emotions, keep them inside because it is our job. It eats us up the worst. I was their voice, I was the voice of so many who were abused and tortured.
18 October 2009
Why?
What made me so different than the others at Casa by the Sea? I have been struggling with this question for years. My good friend brought it up, he was talking about wanting to meet my mom.
He said "something set you apart from the rest of the people in Mexico, something let you come out of there and be successful. You are going to become an officer and retire as a Colonel and never have a worry in the world. I want to see where that kind of determination came from."
When I started "working" the program, I knew that it would be a lie. I made the conscious choice to become someone I was not for as long as it took. When I came home, I had to keep up that facade, then I turned 18 and I was able to flush that persona away. Now, that facade is a thing of the past. I am not subject to their mind control any more.
From a young age, I was basically catered to joining the military. Outdoors activities, shooting, Boy Scouts, it all led up to one thing. This was not a conscious choice by my parents, but a subconscious one. My Dad told me once "The only regret I have in my life is not going Active Duty and doing my 20 years in the Army." He did not want me to repeat his mistakes. Was this idea, planted in the back of my head, what allowed me to survive Mexico?
All I know is that survivors are plagued by Casa by the Sea, even with the place closed down. Why am I one of the few that can speak out?
He said "something set you apart from the rest of the people in Mexico, something let you come out of there and be successful. You are going to become an officer and retire as a Colonel and never have a worry in the world. I want to see where that kind of determination came from."
When I started "working" the program, I knew that it would be a lie. I made the conscious choice to become someone I was not for as long as it took. When I came home, I had to keep up that facade, then I turned 18 and I was able to flush that persona away. Now, that facade is a thing of the past. I am not subject to their mind control any more.
From a young age, I was basically catered to joining the military. Outdoors activities, shooting, Boy Scouts, it all led up to one thing. This was not a conscious choice by my parents, but a subconscious one. My Dad told me once "The only regret I have in my life is not going Active Duty and doing my 20 years in the Army." He did not want me to repeat his mistakes. Was this idea, planted in the back of my head, what allowed me to survive Mexico?
All I know is that survivors are plagued by Casa by the Sea, even with the place closed down. Why am I one of the few that can speak out?
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